My Fucking Feelings

Therapy. Intimacy. The greater.

I sat down to chip away at the giant mountain of half-finished articles I need to get done and suddenly got overwhelmed. As I scrolled through all the endless titles that I think will get clicks, claps, and likes, my desire to punch keys quickly faded. I saw my fingers run away.

Writing is like kissing someone. If you kiss someone you really want to kiss, it can be magical and effortless. Time disappears. But try to force yourself to kiss someone you really don’t want to kiss. You feel hollow and cheap. It’s not a good thing. No one should do it. It’s disrespectful to kissing.

I’m seeing a therapist again. I love therapy. This time, a male. Most of my therapists have been female. I decided to see a man this time. It feels good. Refreshing. He’s Jungian. We talk about archetypes. I’m a visual person and a storyteller so it’s right up my alley. Life is so much easier when you see yourself as a character on a journey. It creates distance and it’s in this distance that peace, acceptance, and connection is found. There’s less pain there. You don’t take things so personally. You see that you are a part of something bigger. You see that things happen for a reason. Act breaks are needed to push your story forward or there will be no story. Just a lot of thinking.

I’ve also recently created some things under my Angry Therapist brand which I haven’t in a while. Companies are like children. They require all your attention. When you have two companies, one with only one employee being you, it’s easy to forget about your other child. So I made two audio courses and ran my first retreat in Joshua Tree. It was super empowering.

My favorite thing to do in the world, besides have sex and eat donuts, is to create things. I’m really proud of these three things I created. They were all pretty effortless. I mean everything takes work and all three took a lot. But by effortless I mean when things just kind of just fall into place. When things feel like they’re meant. As if they already happened. I told the participants of the retreat that during group. I felt as if it already happened while it was happening. Like I was playing back a memory. It’s very strange. Kind of like when you meet someone you feel like you’ve met before in a past life I guess.

It makes you believe in greater things. And it’s something that I need now. I’m sick of the practical plane which I’ve lived on for most of my life. Bills and what the future will look like. Running toward the shine, which is actually you just running away from yourself. Living in that constant state of worry, fear, and dread. It turns us into cardboard cut outs. Then we die.

I’m done with the mundane. It’s an endless maze that leads nowhere. I need the magic. I need mystery. I need the greater. I need simplicity. It’s the only thing that pulls me out of the trenches these days. Where pain is accepted and not taken personally, where I can let go of ego and things that don’t matter. Like things.

Speaking of greater, I just posted this on my Instagram. Like while I was writing this blog post. I spin plates. I write a few things at once. It’s how my brain works. Why I do a lot of bird walking. I can’t believe I’m a therapist.

i caught your eyes. for a second, we looked at each other. and in that moment, it went from sex to love. and it felt good. it felt a little scary, like uncharted territory. but i liked it. there was a relief there, the knowing that deeper intimacy exists. not just with us. in the world. i felt like a kid who got to believe in Santa Claus again.

It wrote it for my girlfriend. We’ve been dating for about seven months now. Words / communication is one of my love languages. Duh. But I also wrote it for me, because it was terrifying. To be that vulnerable. I haven’t felt scared to write something in a very long time which means I need to. Good writing is honest writing and honest is scary. So no one goes there. I need to do more things that scare me. That’s where life lives, the greater I was speaking of. But also for the world. Maybe other men will read it and be reminded to express themselves. I’ve been blessed with the opportunity to write a book for men so I must go first.

I wonder how transparent I can truly be on social media. I wonder how much I can document before I die. Truly document. Not filtered bullshit for likes. But really show my solid self and use social media as if it’s an 8mm camera.

I know people think I’m weird.

I have my reasons.

I have a session soon so I need to wrap this up.

Today, I will write, sweat, hold space, eat a breakfast burrito at noonish (hopefully mindfully). I will do some kind of video, talk into my microphone for my podcast. I will remind myself to feel joy and gratitude and try to see how far I’ve come. But I will also feel some fear and worry and some sadness as well. And that’s okay. It just means I’m human. I will reflect and fight the tug of my mental time machine sucking me into the past or pushing me into the future, and will need to remind myself to breathe and be present. I will drink too much coffee. Forget to stretch after I workout. I will read. I will listen. And I will dream.

Sometimes I have a point.

Sometimes I don’t.

And that’s the point.

  • Angry

Here are my audio courses I was talking about. Both have free lessons.

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